101 things not to do at HQ
by Cledism is my religion
Summary: Exactly what the title says. The characters the "things NOT to do" may range from Lust and Gluttony, to Edward and Alphonse. Read and enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

_**101 things NOT to do at HQ. **_

**[A/N: Ever read any HP fics called 101 things not to do at Hogwarts? Then this is the FMA equivalent!**

**A little bit OOC, but I just wanted to have a little fun!**

**And I don't own FMA... unfortunately... ]**

**One may not go around HQ handing out flyers for a group called 'MIGETS UNITE'. **

One peaceful morning in HQ, Mustang was bored stiff. He had finished all of his paperwork, he had lit the fireplace in the corner, he had checked on his team, he had no one to torch and –most importantly- he had no Edward to annoy (he had wandered off- AGAIN). Then –all of a sudden- Mustang had a great idea.

"LIGHTBULB!" he cried to no one in particular, rushing towards a particularly large stack of white paper.

_**One hour and a couple hundred flyers later... **_

"COLONEL F*CKING BASTARD, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Edward screamed out, clutching a flyer that read "Don't stress if you are PUNY, don't feel insignificant if you are SMALL- if you come to the support group exclusively for SHORT people, you be saying MIDGETS unite in no time!"

The colonel just smirked and said "It's a flyer Edward; surely your SMALL eyes can see that"

Needless to say, Roy spent the next four months in a hospital.

**One may not name one of their pets after Edward Elric. **

"Pleeeeeease Edward? Can I pleeeease keep him?" Alphonse begged.

"Al, I've said no to the last 517,890- what makes you think this one is any different?"

It was late in the afternoon in HQ when Edward and Alphonse were having their weekly argument about Al one weakness- kittens.

"Please brother, I'll take full care of it!" Al insisted, but Ed just sighed. But then Al had an idea (not a good one, and not a bad one per sea- just an idea).

"What if I named him after you?" Alphonse suggested and Ed's stubbornness wavered "Really?" he asked, his pride getting in the way.

"SURE!" Al said enthusiastically.

"So what'll it be then- Fullmetal, Ed, Edward, the-great-almighty-one?"

"Nope, just Midge!"

Edward stared down his younger brother and started steaming out of his ears, "What did you just say?" he asked menacingly."Midge!" Alphonse answered and started to run away, his brother chasing him.

"GET YOUR OVER-SIZED STEEL ARSE BACK HERE ALPHONSE!"Edward screamed, ready to murder his brother.

**[A/N:... Reveiw?]**


	2. Chapter 2

**things not to do at HQ- Chapter Two**

**3. One must not question Edward Elric's masculinity. **

Edward yawned and smiled, stretching his limbs out, "Ah, it's good to be back in central HQ" he said.

"Even though you'll have to see the colonel again?" Alphonse asked and Ed immediately slumped down, "way to ruin my good mood Al, aren't you supposed to be the kind and caring brother?"

Alphonse frowned- or would have if he still had eyebrows-, "And what are you supposed to be?

Edwards chest puffed up, "the tough, masculine older brother of course!"

Al snorted very loudly, "Riiiiight… tough- 'course…. Hem hem- tough…"

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, brother! But you should stop telling lies- it's bad for you."

"AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Just something about the 'masculine' comment you made" Alphonse replied cheekily and Edward narrowed his eyes.

"AND WHAT THE F**K IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"Have you _looked _in the mirror lately?" Alphonse answered gesturing to his braid.

"And what, pray tell, is wrong with my hair?" Steam was coming out of Edward's ears as he clapped his hands and transmuted a giant fist out of the wall.

"N-nothing…" Al answered, trembling and his brother smirked.

**4. One may not induce a food-fight in the cafeteria.**

Riza Hawkeye was having a good day. The colonel had actually done his paperwork, Havoc hadn't smoked inside, Breda hadn't impersonated Armstrong, Feury and Falman hadn't convinced themselves that there was a warehouse 13 and Black Hayate had been very obedient all day long. Ah, she sighed and thought, yes, today'sa good day.

Indeed Riza Hawkeye WAS having a good day- but then came lunch. She should have noticed something was up when the rest of 'team mustang' were whispering to each other in a corner for half an hour, but due to her good day, she was a little less uptight. However, while Riza was eating her lasagna she heard the two fateful words exit Havoc's mouth.

"FOOD FIGHT!" he commanded, throwing a jacket potato at Juliet Douglas. This potato was quickly dodged, and however and hit some random in the face. This random then threw their frittata at Ms. Douglas, who this time was hit square in the chest of her white blouse. Juliet then retaliated by throwing her entire tray of spaghetti at the group of newbie's the frittata had come from. Within seconds this incident had exploded into a full-blown food fight, and even the Fureh seemed to be having fun.

Hawkeye, however, had had enough. She cocked her gun and started firing at will. Needless to say, it was definitely not Team Mustang's best idea to start a food fight.

**5. One may introduce military transvestite day. **

… Oh, the horror O_o *eye twitch*.

**A/N: So what do you think?**


End file.
